For as long as I can remember, I’ve lived my life with a series of contingencies. If a job didn’t work out, I’d find another one. If I didn’t make a theater show in high school, I’d volunteer on the tech team. If I couldn’t study abroad, I’d apply for some other unique program in college. I always had a backup plan.
As I’ve gotten older, the stakes are higher. I can’t have contingencies for certain areas of my life. I get one shot at marriage. One shot at being a mom. And you know what? That causes me a ton of anxiety. (Here’s open and vulnerable for you). What if I can’t be perfect? (News flash, I’m not, can’t be, and never will be, but sometimes I start believing the lie that I can be perfect or should be perfect).
I like to plan every detail of my life. I want to have backup plans if things don’t work out. Then I’m faced with a crazy reminder: I have no guarantee that anything will work out the way I want it to. I can plan, organize, schedule, analyze a calendar and put every backup plan in place, but sometimes life throws me a curveball. Sometimes circumstances outside of my control happen, and I have to figure out a way to adjust. And that’s scary.
So I’ve been learning something. I caught myself in a situation the other day where I didn’t have a backup plan, and I got a little panicky. I felt out of control. But maybe God lets things happen AGAINST my plan, so I lean into him. Maybe I don’t need a backup plan. What would my life look like if I trusted him in every single detail? What would it look like if I said, “I’ve done my best, and the rest is up to you Lord?” That right there is the terrifying place for me to land, because it means I’ve handed control over to God. Am I tempted to take it back? Yep, all the time. Does it help me to worry or control? Nope. It makes things worse.
And the best part of all? There’s a whole lot of grace to cover my imperfections. So that sweet spot of accepting grace and trusting God is where I need to be. I’m 32 years old. I’m tired of creating backup plans and contingencies, because it’s a set of mental gymnastics I don’t need to do. And most of the time, they’re unnecessary, or my plans don’t go like I thought anyway. HE gives perfect peace, his plan is always perfect, and works for my ultimate good. So I’m working on believing that, even when I want to be sure I have a backup plan in place in case things fall through. My new backup plan? To trust God to know even better what I need than I do.